However, this process doesn't apply to me. Even before he could pop the question, we needed to discuss how to get around to getting married without upsetting the entire Malay-Muslim community and the prevailing marriage laws of Singapore and France.
I was reading an article about a lady undergoing an arranged marriage and she mentioned how marriage seems to be the only way for women to gain independence and to some extent, I agree. It's not uncommon knowledge that many Malay girls get married young and I suspect that it has a lot to do with the desire for independence. The religion tells us that many things are forbidden and that even our emotions before being "halal" certified/ married is unreal. I too, once upon a time was so fed up with this that I said yes to marry a person I had absolutely no feelings for, with the thought that falling in love before marriage isn't right; love after marriage is the only acceptable thing.
But... what if you made the wrong choice? What if this "good" man that someone else has picked out for you isn't right for you? Again, the article mentioned that often parents want the "right" suitor to be like them, not like us.
Coincidentally perhaps, Frenchy sent me an article titled "Do not marry before the age of 30" in which the author encourages women to explore all life possibilities during their 20s, become independent and most importantly, re-examine why you want to get married in the first place. I quote:
Why do you want to get married?
Why do you want to get married? Because your friends are getting married? Because society has bamboozled you to think you should be married by now? These reasons have nothing to do with the man you’re marrying, and they bode for an unhappy future, a future where you’ll be only half alive. Without room in this relationship for the essential you, you will be lonely forever. And so will he.
So, forget about the fantasy of marriage and let’s get real.
It's a great article and while I agree with many of her points, I think that culture also plays a big part in validating the points she made. The context of her experience is set by her migratory status as a Chinese woman studying and living in the US. That alone, puts her and many of my Singaporean friends who have studied overseas the ability to be independent and chase their dreams, live their life.
It is the accumulated social and financial capital that allows someone to postpone marriage, not just a mentality, in my opinion.
The thing is, marriage as an institution scares the hell out of me. Devoid of the romance, lavish wedding reception and gifts, it is really a bunch of rules, enforced by culture and religion. And that suffocates me.
I want to get married someday but I cannot because in Singapore, to get married, I'd have to marry:
1) A Muslim man
2) A Malay man
3) A man compatible on a socio-economic standing as I am.
In that order.
And since Frenchy fails on the first two accounts, we can't get married under the Muslim law here so the alternative would be to get married in the civil court.Oh but it's not so easy. I went through the form out of curiosity and in one section, it asks you to declare if you are Muslim or not. I think that question is redundant and tricking you into believing you have some agency when in fact you don't. Like... surely MUIS (the islamic authority in Singapore) won't receive flags if a Mr Muhammad xyz or Ms Siti xyz is about to get married in the civil court? Regardless of whether they ticked "yes" or "no" to that question.
I know of some couples who have gone ahead with the marriage anyway and received letters requesting to come for religious counselling. On top of that, the families of the Muslim man/woman in question will also be alerted and invited to such sessions. It's almost like a recipe for disaster and losing face for the families involved.
Honestly to me, getting married is the same whether a priest or imam or judge or monkeyman blesses you. You get a signed paper, maybe a new name and a lot of administrative work to follow. Why do people have to make it so hard?
Then we decided to enquire about it at the French embassy. France has a special civil union called the PACS which was originally meant for same-sex couples to attain the same legal status as married couples. So we thought, maybe this might be possible but no...
Frenchy still has to produce a cert of conversion (or otherwise, I have to) or we can't get married/civil union. But... it's okay for gay people to get married and no proof of conversion needed for Jewish-non-Jewish couples. Whaaaattt....
What's with the Islamic bureaucratic redtape?
I know deep in my heart that it is what's inside that matters but then why am I so disturbed by the difficulty in which I am unable to get married?
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ReplyDeleteNow I haven't thought that far (but daydream I do) into marriage but its great reading about what you've written over here; especially when there's no one to really talk to.
ReplyDeleteI might be wrong but I didn't think it bothers Frenchy too much about getting into a relationship with a Muslim girl than, say, an Ah Beng next door. Don't know why but it seems that the thought of a conversion scares the daylight out of people. On the same note, I'm more concerned about how we'd survive courtship to even worry about tying the knot.
I love the fact that there's someone, a Malay-Muslim girl at that, who blogs about this. If only more of 'em think and reason like you do.