Recently, I've begun to hate filling up official form because of 4 things:
1) Declaring my status as 'Single'
2) Declaring my religion as "Muslim"
3) Declaring my emergency contact person as my "Spouse" (other options being Father, Mother, Child)
4) Explaining and getting weird looks/voices of people regarding my status.
Yes I am single (according to the census) but I'm also in a domestic partnership, which in some other countries constitutes similar status to married couples. Then comes the stigma of having illegitimate intimacy (i.e. sex) which is also compounded by the fact that I am Muslim (i.e. a religion viewed to be absolutely strict in such matters).
It is hard to explain to a bureaucrat that "single" as a status is a social construct used to label and classify people and also as an assertion of an (almost) deviant nature of not conforming to societal expectations of a nuclear and legitimate (i.e. legal and heterosexual) family. Having worked in a department that handled the population figures, I know only too well what this entails. It involves a lot of singling out (haha) of singles and trying to convert them into the acceptable dominant group.
I've always felt that it is precisely this insistence on legitimacy that contributes to Singapore's low birth rates. And this is problematic for two reasons:
1) Many Singaporeans view sex as taboo. I swear, I have married friends who have yet to consummate their marriage thinking that sex is dirty. And there are others (both men and women) who complain that their spouses are not interested in sex even after marriage. Which is ironic, seeing how the whole idea of intimacy, conception and family is reserved only to a legitimately married couple! So if our married population aren't even at step 1 of reproducing, how can we expect a rise in birth rates? On the other hand, we also have those who may not be married but enjoy sex very much. However, doing so has to be done in secret and shame and guilt is often a product in retrospect. And to have a baby out of wedlock?! Unforgivable! Sometimes I think the pagans got it right. Before religion, sex, fertility, reproduction were given importance and women were given very high regard in this respect. And after religion - well, let's face it, we're all sexually repressed individuals.
2) We need to start accepting (and supporting) other forms of healthy relationships that can/may nurture children. This includes single parents, LGBT couples and then of course socially-unacceptable statuses like mine. I think a child-centric approach is the way to go but I also understand that moving out of this nuclear-family discourse is also hard for many Singaporeans.
[NB: This is of course a generalist and personal view based on experience and anecdotal evidences]
Right, I digress.
My point is that, even on a form that is supposedly unbiased and neutral suddenly becomes a site of contestation of my identity and implicitly, my morality. I know, when I see it in the eyes of the HR exec or in their intonation that their disapproval of my status affects their perception of my ability to perform my assigned duties. So in other words, I might as well declare that I am lesbian and I would face the same prejudice. I feel for them, honestly.
There is always a tendency to fall back on the familiar; the comfort zone and I can honestly say that there are times I wish I could just go back to my family home, forget about this whole independence thing and trying to find my own way in life. I wouldn't say that I recommend everyone I know to try and be in a partnership with someone but I will say that it has taught me so much about living than if I had been a hermit crab all my life.
1) Accomodation
We Singaporeans are so pampered that we don't even realise it. We live so comfortably under our parents' roof; we have their support while we anxiously wait for our Built-to-Order flats. Take yourself out of that, you realise what a cut-throat world the property market is and how precious your salary is to fork out for rent, which you previously had not thought about.
2) Housework
Thankfully I've been doing my own laundry, cooking and cleaning since I was 18. At that time, my brother fell ill and the household chores automatically became mine. But housework in a partnership is very much different than that. Of course I naturally feel compelled to play the role of the housewife (especially now that I'm home most of the time) but I know I'm not obliged to because of the word of God/state law ascribing to me such wifely duties. Housework in a partnership is like dancing around each other as seamlessly as possible. Maybe it's just my luck to be with someone who does his own laundry, cleans the toilet and loves cooking because to me, our relationship is as egalitarian as it can get.
3) Taking Chances
I've recently learnt that Frenchy and I have different conceptions of what a holiday mean. To me, it's something you take for 1-2 weeks every 6 months but for him, it's small little escapes every month or so. In fact we've just booked ourselves two holidays in the coming months out of the blue last night. I think the reality still hasn't sunk in yet because I'm rarely the kind of person to do such things unplanned like this. But ever since I've been with Frenchy, life is pretty much about taking chances. It's all about going to random places, not planning but going with the flow kinda thing. From a wound, uptight person, I can safely say that I have come to view life in a much more relaxed way and try to accept the little unpredictabilities that come my way.
There's still a lot more for me to learn, but one of the most important lesson from my decisions so far is that no matter what you do, you'll always regret what you did not do. Life then seems like so full of regret, so why not do what's best to allow you to live?
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