There's a movie that I liked called "Something New" and while the plot is simple and expected enough, I think the message I got from it was clear: that it shouldn't matter what's your skin colour or what cultural norms you have to conform to. The main point is not to go through life with a checklist of what is right and wrong; what to look out for for the 'perfect man/woman'.
During my adolescence, I was very upset with how much I had to conform to the notion of being 'malay' and I never accepted it. By the time I finally became an undergraduate, I finally understood that race is a state construction, imposed on us and because my mental reality does not correspond to what the government tells me that I am and it led to a lot of conflict, socially and culturally.
It pained me to be forced to do Malay cultural activities such as drama and dance not because I do not like the culture but of how the schools seemed to feel that we token Malays (in Chinese-dominant schools) ought to fill up the space for that particular CCA, regardless of whether we liked it or not. Socially, the rejection of my race also spilled into my choice for cliques and even relationships.
Throughout my primary school years, my friends were all chinese and I was one of the 4 malays in my class yet I never did group projects with them... because I identified myself more with my chinese friends. Why? Maybe because I went to chinese kindergarten or maybe because I was always sitting beside a chinese guy/girl in class. [we used to seat according to height and I was the tallest in class so I sat at the back]
It took me 11 years to realise that I was the top Malay PSLE student in my school AND IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO ME THAT I WAS! Lol. I saw myself as equal to my friends and not separated by skin colour or language and me being the top didn't mean a thing. The logic that the government is enforcing on us is to recognize our differences so blatantly by saying 'ooohhh look, she's the top psle malay student!' like some zoo animal to be separated from the general population. But it shouldn't be like that.
Despite my desire not to be part of my own 'racial' constructed society, I've been constantly reminded by my parents and by my family and community of how much I have to conform to their values.
Let's take marriage for example - to conform is to get married early, have lots of children and the checklist would include:
-a man who is of the same academic qualifications as you
-has worked for a few years so he has enough CPF to buy a flat with you
-muslim so that he can lead your family through prayers etc.
-preferably malay so he can integrate into the family easily
And the list goes on.
Two years ago, when my [ex] bf asked my mother if he could marry me, she said no because she thought he wasn't university educated and just a simple technician in some company. But of course he's doing his degree part time and a year later when she found out, she started taking cards from weddings for their catering and decorations, she's putting aside money for me to get married etc. And it disgusts me.
He meets the requirements on the checklist - he's malay, muslim, university educated, worked enough with lots of cpf and is of acceptable age, kind, gentle etc etc.
But the truth is... this is not my list. This is my mother's list, my community's list... and never mine. But in Singapore, you have to have that list because everything is too ordered, there is no place for mistakes and no place for adventure.
It took me a long while to finally get it. There's a lot more to life than carrying this checklist around. I'm not saying that it's bad to conform, but are the actions that we take while conforming to societal expectations a result of our own agency or simply passive acceptance of someone else's list?
So I hope in 10 years time, when I look back at this entry and see how much of my life I've gone through without following someone else's checklist, I hope I'll be happy. =)
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