Learning to travel with your other half

Andrew O'Hagen for the NYT wrote:

"Every holiday is an ego trip for somebody. it is just that, in families, the person actually commanding the ego trip has to pretend he or she is running a functioning democracy. (And holidays, like failed states, are always run by one person.)

People argue so much on holiday because the occasion so often falls short of the desire: The desire is for rest,peace, no pressure and a sense of being away from one's usual self, and your average family holiday sets fire in comic sequence to each of these high hopes. 

What feels like a holiday is turning up alone at the Hotel Danieli in Venice on a beautiful day. You open the window onto the Grand Canal and you feel the breeze. You order tea from room service and press your face against the cotton pillow. You take out the books you will read and you run a warm bath.... you switch off your phone. Then you take off your shoes and die of bliss."

I never thought in my entire life that I would be able to travel with my boyfriend until he's actually my husband  and we're married (because my parents would never allow it even if I'm 25 or 40). So you could say that my first trip overseas to Bali with Frenchy was somewhat of great excitation. However, spending 24 hours with each other for 11 days could have been a recipe for disaster since we've only recently moved in together so we were still learning how to navigate around each other.

He had anticipated that I would be princessy and difficult, as some women can be when they see that their "hotels" have no stars, no aircondition and that their toilets are filled with wandering insects. For me I was just worried that he would want to see the things which I have already seen most of my life and just bore me to death - rice paddies, traditional dance, woven bamboo and so on. So we were expecting a lot of arguments to happen.

But the truth was it went really well - with the exception of one major crying outburst from me when we were lost in the middle of a forest.

O'Hagen speaks of the unmatched "desire" of what a holiday should be and I feel that being in an interracial relationship- especially one that crosses continents- adds another layer of possible friction points. For example:

1) Sun and Heat

I fucking hate the heat and the humidity in this region and do not feel that I need to travel in SEA because of the perception that I already "know" everything ( ASEAN history student). I want to see the "other", hear the strange languages and observe features on people that I'm not familiar with. But for Frenchy, all that I am and this region that I live in fascinates him. We are the "exotic" as he is to me.

Then there is the problem of tanning. He turns red while I get dark. It's funny how when we first reached Bali, a lot of the Balinese were unsure what ethnicity I was so they still spoke English to me. But after a few days of being in the sun, there was no confusion for I looked indigenous with my dark skin, big eyes, black hair. Conversations with locals became centered on why I looked so local and yet am from Singapore. 

2) Poverty and Cleanliness

I have travelled (and lived for some time) in Malaysia with my parents as I was growing up so I'm used to seeing worn-out kampungs, poor sanitation, dirty, muddy roads you name it. But I'm not sure if Frenchy has. I don't think the landscape in UK or France is comparable to what we have here so I was partly afraid that he would feel disgusted and in turn, make me feel guilty for bringing him to such places.

But you know what? He was forever amazed with how the walls or ceilings were made from woven bamboos or that the drainage system was so cleverly designed to divert fresh water to the fields and so on. I've never paid attention to such details because they were normal to me but seeing the excitement and wonder in his eyes just made trekking through rice paddies and little villages worth it.

3) Street Food

OMG. Frenchy wouldn't even step into a hawker centre so to think that he would eat by the street from some suspicious vendor? I doubt it. I was afraid we would bust our budget if we ate at restaurants all the time, so I had to be very careful to ask him everytime if he was okay eating by the side of the road. I mean my dad always said that squatting down by the longkang (drain) and eating durian cut open by the side of the road gives it all the taste and experience to make him happy. Not sure if your parents tell you this but mine always say, "Jangan makan tu, korang punya perut tak kuat macam kite punya." (lit. Don't eat that; your stomaches are not as strong as ours). The idea is that because my parents generation grew up in far less desirable conditions that we did, it made them more resistant against the possible contaminations in the street-side food. 

But Frenchy's not a local. So when we were served an almost anorexic bbq chicken served with rice from a road stall I did not expect him to be finger licking and saying it was the best dish he had ever tasted. Then we progressed to roadside satay in peanut-soya sauce. I had never eaten satay like that in my life and was suspicious about it myself but he was eating it like it was the most delicious food on earth. Gosh! And he loved the spices and started talking excitedly about cooking with lemongrass and all these "asian" spices. Okay, I admit my heart swelled a bit thinking that my partner's the best thing on earth. He loved Indonesian food, aka my culture my food! yay!

PS: I'll write another post on the places we went in Bali. 

Sleeping together

One of the things I'm still trying to get used to is sharing the bed with someone. As the only daughter, I had the privilege of having my own room so even sharing space is not something I am used to.

The first thing I (consciously or otherwise) did upon moving in was to delegate space - I sleep on the left, him on the right and I get slightly edgy when he crosses the boundary slightly by placing his things on my side of the bed and so on. But with time, I've learnt to relax a little because at the end of the day, there's no point kicking up a fuss and wasting energy when I can just quietly put back the item on his side.

It's not that I'm secretive about my things but I just like my things in their place so I know where to find them when I want them.

Then comes the sleeping part. It took me a few sleepless nights and learning to sleep facing away from each other to finally get a good night's sleep.

1) Intermittent snoring.
I'm ok with snores. My dad used to snore so loud we could hear him cross the hallway. But at least it was a rhythmic kinda snore so after awhile you get lulled. But omg Frenchy has intermittent snores that can be so quiet for a whole hour and then sounds like a crack in the air. Well, I'm one to complain. I've been told that I snore too when I'm tired or having a blocked nose in an airconditioned room. Heh.

2) Twists and turns.
I've never shared a bed with anybody so I'm not conscious of my sudden movements made during sleep. I know for one that I'm guilty for bouncing on the bed when I turn from one side to the other. Frenchy does it too and he shakes uncontrollably in the middle of the night like he's fighting minions in his sleep (which is actually really cute) but it wakes me up a lot.


3) Breathing
Breath-on-skin sounds sexy but not when you're half asleep and thinking there's a fly on your back needing to be slapped. Usually this happens in a spooning position. Otherwise, when you're both not asleep yet but trying to, there's always that problem of synchronising your breathing. Or am I the only one thinking about it?

4) Cramped arms/legs/body
And no, not from vigorous bedtime aerobics. It happens when you try to sleep holding each other - say like in a spoon position. Then there's that weird arm that doesn't know what to do. So sometimes you squash it below your body, sometimes you're superman with that arm outstretched, reaching for the sky.

5) One waking up before the other.
Nooooooooooooooooooooo. I hate it when he goes to work because I cannot help but open my eye and watch him walk up and down the room, choosing his clothes (and then silently chastising him for not ironing his shirt again and then reminding myself mentally to iron some for him) and wait for him to say goodbye to me before going back to bed. Unfortunately, he isn't so lucky. When I wake up, generally it also means it's time for him to wake up so I wake him up by making annoying noises and poking at him until he's conscious. :P

6) Farting in your sleep
Do I even need to say more?

But then again, sleeping together, just like living together takes a lot of getting used to and learning about each other's patterns. Yes, you eventually learn to forgive each others' farts and simply just turn to face the other side to get some space (and fresh air). But I think one of the most important things about this whole sleeping together thing is the idea that you know you are comfortable enough with your partner to go to sleep with that terrible pimple cream on your face (rather than hidden by concealer), going braless (and knowing your boobies are going southwards) and most important of all, knowing he or she forgives you for your farts and snores.

On Malay mothers and daughters I

A lot of people (here meaning Singaporeans) who knew about me moving out of home have always asked this question: "What did your parents and family say?"

On the other hand, others - either non-Singaporeans or Singaporeans living overseas went "Well done girl! You should have done this ages ago!"

But since I'm Singaporean and Malay, I think the cultural expectations of "familial piety" is enforced even more so for me. To be honest, these two categories do not mix very well. Let me explain:

1) Singaporeans, as many Asian societies are mostly patriarchal, so usually, the eldest son takes responsibility for his parents in their old age. This is especially so for Chinese families. And since the education system in Singapore has brainwashed us all to accept these "Confucianist" ideals as the right way of life, most Singaporeans regardless of race have accepted this as the holy grail.

2) But, in practice, Malay families are very much so matriarchal and matrilineal (not in terms of names but of property). The daughters (regardless of your order of birth) are the ones who take care of their aged parents and provide a support system of sorts -childcare, finance etc- to each other and at times for the brothers as well. The men are seen as not having the "heart" and "softness" to provide caregiving and the most common reason is also that once the men are married and off to work, it would be awkward for the daughter-in-law (assumed to be housewife) to take care of her parents-in-law.

I'm the eldest and only daughter. Go figure.

Perhaps it was this unique situation that made it very difficult for me to behave outside of the box that has been pre-ascribed to me. I was groomed to be someone whose shoulders would bear lots of responsibilities in the years to come. To sum it up, most agreements between my mother and I were that we disagree on 90% of things.

So to answer the question of what my parents and family thought about my decision, I will have to also share what I thought they would have said, based on my strict upbringing.

Assumption: I thought they would explode and go on a witch hunt for me.
Reality: I remembered my mum's text to me saying that she doesn't know what to say to me and that to take care of myself. My cousins told me that they would be there for me and that they understood me.
However, the catch is also that my mum didn't want to tell her sisters and brothers (except one or two) because she didn't want me to be rejected should I wish to come home again. I'm not sure how to take that but I'll let it rest for now.

Assumption: I thought my mum would refuse to speak to me ever again, giving me a cold shoulder (which she is known for when I was younger) and not allowing me to come home.
Reality: My first meeting with her felt completely normal, not awkward at all. She was joking and happy and I didn't feel strange around her. She then invited me to have lunch with my brothers and then to visit my grandmother. We meet at least once a week now, no matter how brief and she always made sure that I know that I'm welcomed to come home to sleep over now and again. To be honest, I was very touched. She didn't hate me like I thought she would or blame it on some other instigator but she was very understanding and she allowed me to have the space that I never had and deserved.

Also, I think my relationship with my mother is slowly starting to shift in a way that she's trying to be more understanding and trying to understand why I refuse to follow certain expectations. As for me, it is also a process of self-realisation that my mother has done a lot for me growing up and that I should not blame her too much for being annoying and a pain in the neck because she certainly didn't have a handbook on "how to be the best mum" and I sure as hell would have to trial and error everything with my own kids someday.

But remember what I said about being the eldest daughter? This will never change even after moving out. There is a sense of responsibility for my mother and brothers that I just cannot shake off no matter how much I wanted to distance myself from them initially. I still send money home and Frenchy's been very kind to help me along when I can't seem to put it together. I know he doesn't fully understand why but he understands how important it is to me and I appreciate it.

Hairy issues

I want to colour my hair.

I've done blonde, brunette, red and even contemplated silver white. But the thing about Asian black hair is how stubborn it is. Dying it blonde usually ends up a distasteful orangy tinge and red so often becomes brown after a while.

And this time, I know blonde is out of the picture seeing Frenchy's a real blonde so I'm going to look so fake next to him. As a side note, I think blonde people have it the best. You can barely see their hair on their arms. legs and underarms and this is a good thing! Do you know how hard it is for us dark haired girls to keep our bodyparts looking smooth and hairless? Doesn't help that our hair seems to grow much faster in this weather and by the next day, a cleanly shaved armpit could very well use another one. -sigh-

Frenchy suggested that I do something like this;

It's not so bad this trendy hairstyle that seems so rampant amongst the youth these days. I'll think about it. Red is not an easy colour to stay on Asian hair unless I have my lower ends bleached before dyeing.

Lesson in life -on leftover sambals

I have a bad habit of not tasting my food while cooking so it was only after happily digging into my sambal terung that I realised it was bitter and tasted horrible! 

And I know it wasn't because I didn't put enough salt but because I had used a 4 day old blended sambal which obviously had turned bad even in the fridge :( 

This living on your own and cooking for one (sometimes two) isn't so fun sometimes. I'm not used to cooking such small portions as we usually cook Malay food for an entire family of 4-5 people so there's always leftovers. 

And between Frenchy and me, there are always leftovers in the fridge. Well, at least I didn't feed him leftover spoilt sambal. He might hate it for life and then I'm not gonna have anyone to help me finish up my dish! 

Religiousizing mother's day

Such a simple day meant to be a day of humble remembrance for our mothers turned out to be an annoying display of religiousity and insulting bigotry on Facebook.

I was told that celebrating Mother's Day is akin to being "jahil" (unbelievers before the advent of Islam) and that as Muslims we should not be following a celebration practised by the other faiths.

Firstly, in Islam it is always the niat (intentions) that are important. So telling me that celebrating mother's day is an act of worshipping the Christian reverend mother is insane. How does a scholar (religious one at that) rationalise such a connection? Or is it just the male religious scholars that have a disdain for celebrations of women?

Translation: Mother's Day is a Day for Church Mother/ Reverend Mother. Whoever wants to celebrate, go ahead. Who ever fears corrupting their morals, don't celebrate.

I felt very sad and insulted to see this being "shared" and "liked" by fellow Muslim family and friends. Have we been so blinded by our need to differentiate and segregate ourselves from those practising other religion that we become such unthinking individuals? Aren't mother's honoured in Islam, as with all other religions?

A friend shared an article with me, written by an ex-professor of mine. It's titled "Mum's aren't super, they're ordinary" and I think it fits in very well with the whole discussion on whether mother's day is allowed or forbidden in Islam.

Firstly, we're not revering our mothers and elevating her status to someone holy.

Second, this date serves a reminder for us busy modern humans to stop and just remember our mothers' contributions and to also forgive her for her humanness. We're so often arguing with them, trying to defy them, that we hardly stop to reflect unless it's Hari Raya right?

Thirdly, it also allows us to be thankful to all our caregivers - our grandmothers, aunts, teachers and even stay-home dads. Culture and society may choose not to give them their deserving attention and praise, but for some, they've become surrogate mothers and caregivers and should be honoured as well.

The modern Hijab syndrome

A friend shared an article on Hijab do's and don'ts on Facebook today and I admit, that I too once tried my best to follow the "proper" way of wearing a Hijab and frowned upon the many "updated" ways this could be done. I used to wear a Hijab and now I don't but more of that in another entry perhaps. A few events in my life changed my opinion of this, so I've decided to deconstruct some extracts of the article a little just so that readers, as naive and believing as I was would not fall into a trap of following "rules" without thinking them through. 

From: http://www.igotitcovered.org/2011/09/06/tips-to-overcome-the-modern-hijab-syndrome-2/comment-page-1/

So, how is the hijab supposed to be worn? Allah clearly illustrates how a woman should wear it properly in the Qur’an,

“And say to the believing women to lower their gazes, and to guard their private parts, and not to expose their beauty except what is apparent of it, and to extend their headcovers to cover their chests, and not to display their beauty except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband’s fathers, or their sons, or their husband’s sons, or their brothers, or their brothers’ sons, or their sisters’ sons, or their womenfolk, or what their right hands rule (slaves), or from the men who have no physical desire, or the small children who are not aware of the private aspects of women, and not to stomp their feet (on the ground) so as to make known what they hide of their adornments (jewelry). And turn to Allah in repentance together, Oh Believers, so that you may succeed.” [24:31]

Therefore, the front of our hijabs should come down low over our chests, not wrapped tight around our necks as is the current style. Imam Abu al-Fida ibn Kathir clarifies how and why:

“‘Extend their headcovers to cover their bosoms’ means that they should wear the headcover in such a way that they cover their chests so that they will be different from the women of the Jahiliyyah (time before Islam) who did not do that, but would pass in front of men with their chests uncovered and with their necks, forelocks, and earrings uncovered.”

Comment: I always had a contention on two accounts of this quote. Firstly, when believing women were asked to lower their gazes, this does not literally mean that their eyes have to be covered and yet it is taken literally that the scarf has to cover the chest. Could it also mean in a figurative term that the chest (heart) should be covered; that is your intentions need to be for the right reason? That you are covering your heart from the vices of the world and wishing to submit spiritually to God?

Second, it is said that women may display their beauty to men who have no physical desire. Now, how easy is this to determine? "Excuse me sir, do you have any physical desire? No, okay thanks". Trust me, growing up, I was not exactly the size and figure of choice for many guys to deem as "desirable". And, may I also say that if the men here have no physical desire (assuming towards women), then would that mean that men who have desires for other men are okay?

This explanation also denounces three other current styles that have been prominent these days:

1. Naked Neck. Exposing the neck by pinning the scarf to the back was the exact way women before Islam wore their scarves. Some would even wear heavy and glittering jewelry around their necks to emphasize the look. Islam came to wash away the unnecessary customs and prohibit the harmful actions of our forefathers, so why reintroduce what Islam has already ruled against? Islam has ordered that our necks are considered part of what the hijab must cover, so please bring the ends of your scarf to the front of your neck if you do prefer to pin your scarf in the back. Or you could simply pin your scarf to the front under your chin and let the ends fall loosely over your neck.

Comment: I get it, Muslims want to differentiate themselves from some nuns who wear their habits in this fashion. But I also feel a need to question what "unnecessary customs" and "harmful actions of our forefathers" are. If these refer to the act of exposing the neck, then I must say that men, you have to be ashamed of yourselves! Stop wanking in the train to that lovely muslimah's exposed neck! 

2. Slippery Bangs. A sister’s hair bangs might fall out from under the scarf to the front over the foreheads and sometimes eyes. It’s grown pretty common to have the bangs styled, cut, and highlighted just so that they have a pleasant appearance when they fall out of the scarf. We see the photos of models for clothing lines everywhere. If the model doesn’t have her hair tied back, then her bangs are falling over her eyes, giving her a seductive look. With that said, it’s easy to keep bangs from slipping by wearing headbands or hairclips, which can be found at the super market. Undercap-pieces specifically designed to be worn under a scarf can be used to keep the bangs from falling out as well.

Comment: Okay girls, you know what to do if you wanna seduce your boyfriends/husbands. Make sure your bangs cover your eyes for it will give you a seductive look.Okay, sarcasm aside, men, you have no idea what hijabis have to go through everyday. It's a constant check in the mirror/reflections to make sure not a single strand of hair is flying around because god forbids, some guy will start wanking if he sees that seductive strand. 

 This reminds me of the sister in Sister Act (the one in the extreme right). Her bangs are out but I do not see it any way seductive. I understand that the author is writing of the fashion trends in places like Iran but again, going back to the original Quran verses, I do feel that it is not so much of how a woman is wearing her scarf but why she's wearing it that matters. Why are men (see here that it is the authority of the Imam's words being used) ascribing so much restrictions on women to control our sexuality without much examining of their own? 

3. Protruding Ears. Sometimes, a sister will allow the ears and earrings to peek out from the sides. Earrings are flashy in general, and in this specific case, the earrings are usually huge and sparkly. There is no other reason for displaying earrings outside the scarf besides wanting to add a more attractive look to what is worn. Tuck them in, please.

Comment: As above. 

Now before we move on to other more socially imposed restrictions on the use of hijabs, I would just like to share a story of my mother and how I have accepted her change in her hijab styles over the years because her intentions had always remained the same. 

My mum used to be the type of woman who never used make up, wore long baggy clothes and did her hijab low and often making herself look so unattractive I'm sure she could just blend into the wall. She did it because it was part of keeping her beauty for her husband yada yada. But the truth is, men don't really like their wives to dress and look like a hag (sorry mum). He wants others to know that he is proud of his beautiful wife and even if she is not, he had at least provided her enough to make her look stunning (e.g. beautiful clothes).

So when my dad left my mum for someone else, she was shattered. She felt that her "beauty" which she had shielded from the public for the sole reason of pleasing her husband, was not enough. Then came the change.  She started to dress and style her hijab in a more modern way, used make up and jewellery all NOT for the intention of showing off her beauty to other men but to make herself happy and to tell herself that she is beautiful. She said that so often in pleasing our husbands, we forget to love and please ourselves. Loving that her lips are red from lipstick or that my scarf is beautifully done does not lessen her love or obedience to God. Kudos to that. 

I am now going to highlight a few more styles of today that our sisters should be aware of.

4. Piled High. This can be achieved by wearing a cushion above the head or ponytail and wrapping the scarf over it. Other styles include adding a large flower to the top or intricately twisting the scarf into a bun and pinning it to the side. Unfortunately, this creates a sign above the head saying “Check Me Out!” For your own good, don’t do it because the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wasallam has also given us warnings for those who dress in this fashion in the following two ahadith:

Abu Hurairah relates that the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wasallam said,

“There are two categories among the inhabitants of Hell whom I have not encountered. The first are people who carry whips like the tails of cows and beat the people with them. The second are women, clothed yet naked, drawn to licentiousness and enticing others to it, their heads like the swaying humps of camels. They will neither enter Paradise nor even smell its fragrance, though its fragrance can be found to a great distance.” [Sahih Muslim]

The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wasallam also stated,

“There will be in the last of my Ummah, scantily dressed women, the hair on the top of their heads like a camel’s hump. Curse them, for verily they are cursed.” [At-Tabarani and Sahih Muslim]

So, from these ahadith, my sisters in Islam and I should be careful to stay away from this look in whatever way it can be created.

Comment: I don't know how the hadith's reference to the piled hair of scantily dressed women got transposed to becoming cushions, ponytails and "buns" that create the "check me out" look. I mean I've worn the Hijab before and how the hell do you expect me to not bun my hair under my scarf in this 35degrees heat when it's long? 

5. Falling Scarf. The scarf simply slips off to the shoulders whenever it gets too tired at the top and exposes luscious locks of hair. Wear a scarf with not-so-silky material that would have more friction and prevent it to come loose or slip. Pinning the scarf at the top or side is usually helpful too.

6. Body-Suit Tightness. This occurs when skinny jeans, tights, or body-shirts are worn. It also takes place whenever other clothes, such as dresses, are skin-tight, as if they’ve been painted on. This image completely contradicts the whole standard of modesty, which is the purpose of hijab. What the woman is doing is putting her figure on display. Even if a long blouse is worn on top of the body-shirt and skinny jeans to cover her chest and thighs, her arms and shins are still emphasized. Looser clothing should be worn instead.

Comment: Okay, there is a point here that I agree - that body hugging clothes are contradictory to the whole idea of Hijab but I think we can be flexible with the arms and shins yeah? See the thing here is, there is an assumption or a "truth" if you may call it, that men are sexually excited by every inch of exposed skin or even the shape of it. In this regard, then men should also be banned from walking around topless (which is allowed) or wearing tight fitting shirts over nice abs because that sexually excites me. Where's the protection for them then?  What if I rape them? 

7. Made-up face. Eyeshadow, colored lipstick, blush, and bronzer are all products of the make-up industry. However, we’re all already beautiful products of Allah’s creation, so why use tools of society to demean ourselves in the process of submitting to what society claims should be beautiful? And why try to enhance your beauty when you’re going to be amongst the same people you’re wearing hijab in front of in order to conceal your beauty in the first place? Besides, if people don’t appreciate the way Allah created you, then they don’t deserve your efforts to abide by their judgments.

Comment: I think it's a bit extreme to say that using make-up demeans ourselves. I think the author also forgets to see that while society has constructed what is deemed as "beautiful", society has also attached certain (negative) implications to it. I'm sure the Quran made no link between wearing lipstick and being slutty but why did we? In fact, why is there a double standards in the enhancement of beauty amongst men and women in Islam? Why are men allowed to grow their beards (which can sometimes look sexy yes?) and wear attar scents (which can be attractive smells) but women have A-Z restrictions? 

The reason this advice is being repeated is for the simple fact that as those who cover, we are not only representing ourselves, but the entire population of Muslim women who wear hijab. Firstly, we owe it to ourselves, and to our relationship with Allah, to seek ihsaan (perfection) in applying His rulings. If we’ve taken the first step in covering, then alhamdulillah; but let’s not stop there. Only by fulfilling the requirements of hijab can hijab then fulfill the purpose it was commanded for. Wearing hijab properly will protect us, make us conscious of our actions, and establish our respectability in society. And only through following Allah’s command as it was sent down can we hope to draw even closer in our love and obedience to Him.

Comment: Protect us from... what? And are you saying if I'm not wearing a Hijab I'm not conscious of my actions and worst, be an unrespected human being in society? -sigh- It is almost as if our identities, consciousness and intellect cannot be properly understood if we are not ascribed particular clothings that signify our gender. 

Now, from my own personal experience of wearing the Hijab, I can tell you that all the restrictions placed above has not made Muslimahs better but have created an atmosphere of judging amongst us. 

My first experience of this was when I went to the mosque -dressed in a long skirt and turtleneck long sleeved blouse to carry out one of the daily prayers. I had then not worn the hijab  yet at that time. I remembered entering the upper floors and having all these women look at me as if I was naked. They didn't say it but you could see their disapproval in their eyes and facial expressions.  

I think then, I started putting on the headscarf because I wanted to escape this judgemental looks. Then came the advise from various womenfolk that my sleeve was not long enough, I couldn't wear pants, my blouse needs to fall below my hips and so on. And I'm like... I'm not the one walking around in shorts and tank tops! Why are you picking on me when the other Malay girls out there could use some education in the ideals of muslimah dressings?

The irony of wearing the hijab (at least in Singapore) was that, while I was practically invisible to the male species, I became extremely visible to the roving eyes of other hijabi women. I didn't feel protected as I should and I became hyper-conscious of my actions to the point that I'm sure I was just putting up a show rather than being sincere about it. 

Self-fulfilling prophecy?

Just saw this on Facebook and am actually very upset

Translation: Women may appear weak but they have two strengths that better in comparable to men that is

1) Emotional strength

2) Mouth that has "laser super power" i.e. to gossip, backbite etc

Don't you think it is precisely these stereotypical views of women that just compounds upon itself and becomes "truths"? Honestly, how can you look at your daughter/wife/mother and say in a mocking tone that they have "strengths" alright and that's for gossiping. 

And what's with the ustadz's picture to accompany the picture? As if the image of a pious-looking (mental association in play there) justifies and immortalises the caption. 

The thing is, gossiping and backbiting is essentially a human trait. It is HUMAN to want to know what other's are doing; putting others down so you can be in the better light, sharing information to increase your power/knowledge and so on. It is not a "woman" or "man" characteristic.

But the worst is when I see close friends and family posting these up, perhaps without really thinking it through. It makes me sad. And as I said, can you honestly post this up to mock women in your family? I wouldn't. 

In search of the right spouse II

During my undergraduate days, there was a particular feminist scholar, Nirmala PuroShotam that blew my mind away with her view on family and relationships in Singapore, that I (and so many of us) have always assumed as "normal".

One of her more memorable phrases that I still remember until now is how every marriage is inter-racial, seeing that the performance of "race" is not universal even amongst the group of people that are legally defined as being in the same "race". Take my parents for example, according to the state, they are both "Malays" but in practice, my mother is Javanese while my father is Bugis/Boyanese. In terms of language alone, they are not similar and more so in terms of cuisine. I remembered my mother having a lot of difficulty learning the Boyanese dishes that were not similar to her own Javanese recipes. Yet, their marriage rested on their use of societal knowledge that is drawn from a variety of sources - some, as the case of language and food can differ, but some interpretations of "Malay-ness" is still similar. For example, both value "Hari Raya Aidilfitri/Aidiladha and would see to it that we visit all the elders during that period. Both also placed great importance in the religious upbringing of their children. However, in terms of secular education, my parents' view of "Malay-ness" differed. My mother felt that Malays needed to prove themselves and not be pushed to the back of the class. I would say that my mum was hardass with me which was why I scored well in school I suppose. On the other hand, my father was more the "relax one corner" type. He encouraged our non-academic interests in music, arts and was happy as long as we passed our exams.

However, hardly do we ever stop to think of marriage as being inter-racial this way, although it is. So then what makes an "inter-ethnic marriage" so... controversial (and complicated)? According to PuroShotam, it is the recognisably visible phenotypical differences perceived to exist between the concerned couple. In Frenchy's and my situation, it would be the lack of similar societal knowledge concerning "Malayness" and "Frenchness".

In one occasion, I had brought him along to a Malay wedding and we were served Sambal Goreng Pengantin (a spicy dish of mixed meat). While eating, he suddenly made a strange face and asked what was the piece of meat he was eating and I told him it was paru (cow lung). I was proud of him for still swallowing it and not puking his guts out. A fine example of mismatch in societal knowledge. Eating almost all parts of the cow (and here you can add chicken and lamb/goat) is common not just in the Malay culture but also in Asia. I suppose it's because protein from meat was expensive back in the kampung days that it was crucial to make the most of the animal.

However, in a postmodern world (or high modernity, whichever school of thought you belong to), does the performance of race matters that much? In Singapore, the introduction of a double-barrelled race already challenges this discourse, as with the increasing inter-racial/nationality marriage trends. Taking away race, marriage and everything else, doesn't really make us lifeless, directionless souls I feel. Surely, we are more multifaceted than just the titles on our identity cards?


For more reading on PuroShotam's work, see: PuruShotam, Nirmala. 2004.“Bride Pride and Grooming Prejudices: Race Matters in Marriage.” In (Un) tying The Knot: Ideal and Reality in Asian Marriage.

In search of the right spouse I

Frenchie and I are not married yet but it's on our list of things to do. I suppose you can say that it's not easy for us to get married due to the clash of cultures and religion surrounding both of us. He was born a Catholic in France and I was born a Muslim in Singapore. Add that to the cultural difference, you've got yourself a big mess. 

As to how we met... well, he'll tell you that we met in a library (bookstore) where we wanted to buy the same book and he couldn't stop talking to me about it so I ended up asking him out for coffee to continue talking about it. Plus he got the book for me so that's a bonus.

But what I remembered most about our first meeting was how we were both sweaty - me from gym and him from running around all day in the lab. We weren't really dressed for a date and we ended up drinking coffee by the side of the river just watching the lunar eclipse. We talked for hours really... till about 1am on a Monday night about all sorts of things from cross-pollination of plants, about the salmons communicating by rubbing their skins against each other and a host of other (almost geeky) stuff. We barely knew each other and yet we were talking like we've known each other all our lives. 

I didn't know what struck me about that moment; sprawled on the stone steps by the water, smelling of sweat and really - not the impression-making kinda moment. But it did. I was myself and so was he and we didn't care how each other looked nor were we pretending to say things or do things to make the other like us. And there it was. 

We saw each other everyday that week and now, a little after a year later, we go to sleep every night, holding hands. <3