A lot of people (here meaning Singaporeans) who knew about me moving out of home have always asked this question: "What did your parents and family say?"
On the other hand, others - either non-Singaporeans or Singaporeans living overseas went "Well done girl! You should have done this ages ago!"
But since I'm Singaporean and Malay, I think the cultural expectations of "familial piety" is enforced even more so for me. To be honest, these two categories do not mix very well. Let me explain:
1) Singaporeans, as many Asian societies are mostly patriarchal, so usually, the eldest son takes responsibility for his parents in their old age. This is especially so for Chinese families. And since the education system in Singapore has brainwashed us all to accept these "Confucianist" ideals as the right way of life, most Singaporeans regardless of race have accepted this as the holy grail.
2) But, in practice, Malay families are very much so matriarchal and matrilineal (not in terms of names but of property). The daughters (regardless of your order of birth) are the ones who take care of their aged parents and provide a support system of sorts -childcare, finance etc- to each other and at times for the brothers as well. The men are seen as not having the "heart" and "softness" to provide caregiving and the most common reason is also that once the men are married and off to work, it would be awkward for the daughter-in-law (assumed to be housewife) to take care of her parents-in-law.
I'm the eldest and only daughter. Go figure.
Perhaps it was this unique situation that made it very difficult for me to behave outside of the box that has been pre-ascribed to me. I was groomed to be someone whose shoulders would bear lots of responsibilities in the years to come. To sum it up, most agreements between my mother and I were that we disagree on 90% of things.
So to answer the question of what my parents and family thought about my decision, I will have to also share what I thought they would have said, based on my strict upbringing.
Assumption: I thought they would explode and go on a witch hunt for me.
Reality: I remembered my mum's text to me saying that she doesn't know what to say to me and that to take care of myself. My cousins told me that they would be there for me and that they understood me.
However, the catch is also that my mum didn't want to tell her sisters and brothers (except one or two) because she didn't want me to be rejected should I wish to come home again. I'm not sure how to take that but I'll let it rest for now.
Assumption: I thought my mum would refuse to speak to me ever again, giving me a cold shoulder (which she is known for when I was younger) and not allowing me to come home.
Reality: My first meeting with her felt completely normal, not awkward at all. She was joking and happy and I didn't feel strange around her. She then invited me to have lunch with my brothers and then to visit my grandmother. We meet at least once a week now, no matter how brief and she always made sure that I know that I'm welcomed to come home to sleep over now and again. To be honest, I was very touched. She didn't hate me like I thought she would or blame it on some other instigator but she was very understanding and she allowed me to have the space that I never had and deserved.
Also, I think my relationship with my mother is slowly starting to shift in a way that she's trying to be more understanding and trying to understand why I refuse to follow certain expectations. As for me, it is also a process of self-realisation that my mother has done a lot for me growing up and that I should not blame her too much for being annoying and a pain in the neck because she certainly didn't have a handbook on "how to be the best mum" and I sure as hell would have to trial and error everything with my own kids someday.
But remember what I said about being the eldest daughter? This will never change even after moving out. There is a sense of responsibility for my mother and brothers that I just cannot shake off no matter how much I wanted to distance myself from them initially. I still send money home and Frenchy's been very kind to help me along when I can't seem to put it together. I know he doesn't fully understand why but he understands how important it is to me and I appreciate it.
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